Fashion faux-pas by men

Came across a piece on how some snooty men, cocksure about their boardroom expertise, seem to think they can extend it to their fashion sense(or gasp – lack of it), and instead display, in ample measure, how they can go completely awry about such simple things like classy styles.

Here are the top ten fashion mistakes that even the most alpha of males commit. Tick to see that you ain’t committing any of these howlers, and making your colleagues stuff wads of tissues into their mouth to keep from guffawing every time you pass them by. Tsk tsk.

1. Rucksack / Backpack – What are you? A mountaineer, the newest Reinhold Messner on the block, out on an expedition to the Himalayas, in quest of that elusive yeti? Skip it immediately, and invest in a smart briefcase pronto. Anyway, with the wide array available at the mall in your vicinity, you are utterly spoilt for choice.

2. Color me (blind) – Well, well, well – I quite agree that wearing basic blacks, boring browns, blah blues, and gloomy greys can definitely get a tad dreary. But hey, that doesn’t mean that you would raid your wardrobe for each hue you can possibly remember(and name), and don it to your workplace. After all, you wouldn’t want to strike anyone blind with the OTT color mélange, and / or make them reach out for their pair of aviators, would you? Another blooper – combining two pale colors or two dark colors together. The word is matching, dude, not visually-jarring. Plus, drop those diagonal stripes. Now, now – not in the way you think (pervs). They are best left for that watering spot you wanna hit during the weekends, with your girl. Certainly not in the boardroom – and yup, that aching look which that female colleague has been “bestowing” upon you, is nothing to do with her heart. You are probably giving her an aching headache. Now, don’t let me start about socks. I’ll leave you to your own gumption.

3. Stained clothes - Now pizza may be one of your major weaknesses, but is it really required that you show off those bright yellow mustard spots / telling ketchup marks on your shirt? Ditto for discolored patches under armpits. Jeeeez – put that shirt right where it came from – the washing machine – you new best friend
:-)

4. Pants that aren’t the most flattering fit – Each step you take reveals those sparkling-white Lacoste socks you recently bought. That spring in your step might just be making people splutter in amusement. Pants too tight - definitely not a sight for sore eyes. Too baggy – what are you – a pubescent who’s pulled on his latest anti-fits? A word of advice – use those trial rooms they have in those showrooms. You’ll be wiser, and even have swanky, well-fitting lowers.

5. Ponytails – even Beckham doesn’t have a staple braid – he keeps those glorious tresses short too. So why must you differ? What were you thinking? That women would give an arm and a leg to run their fingers through what you count as your most-prized mane? And with summers in all their scorching fury these days, you’d be more than a little thick-headed to have one of those grimy, sweaty, ponytails. Admit it – they look so much better on your female counterparts, don’t they? (That they use Tony and Guy and you use the average Brylcreem could have a hand, me thinks).

6. Tie the knot – no no, I’m not suggesting that you get knotty, and get affianced in holy matrimony, that was just a lil quip on that ubiquitous tie, a staple on that harried employee, as well as his cool-as-a-cucumber Boss from hell. Avoid the colors that will put a peacock to shame. And stick to the classic three-and-a-quarter width – any less or more will earn you a mention in the Fashion Hall of Shame. The length is also of essence – any longer or shorter than the top of your belt buckle, and you are guaranteed to make the most grim person break out into a telltale chortle.

7. Too much (or no) cologne – now this one is quite a tough one. You don’t wanna reek of traffic / pollution / dust / perspiration (oh bummer). But conversely, you don’t also want to appear as if you doused yourself in that bottle of Hugo Boss. Don’t blame anyone if, as soon as you step out for that customary ciggie, all the bees, butterflies, and birds come humming, flying and chirping towards you. And dude, remember that a cologne that smells divine on your best friend, may not be all that flattering on you. So, use those coffee beans (and your olfactory sense) astutely the next time you go fume-shopping. Better still, take your mom / sister / gal pal along. And avoid the layering thingie – you don’t want people dropping dead around you as soon as you breeze into a room, right?

8. Facial hair – trim, trim, trim. The neat look always scores points, not the Neanderthal gorilla act. Enough said.

9. Jewelry – unless you moonlight as a rock star, after hours, you shouldn’t be caught dead with more than a classy watch, a wedding band, and a simple gold chain (if you really must). Leave the chunky bracelets, thumb rings, etc at home. Or with your ten-year old niece!

10. Comb-overs – tress-cahellenged? Don’t make it all the more evident by arranging them carefully, one by one. Doesn’t work for anyone, except pot-bellied principals, swarthy bank clerks, and officials with pince-nez perched on their nosy-noses. Go the bald way a la Vin Diesel / Bruce Willis, if you are a) adventurous and b) can totally carry it off with panache (not recommended for the meek and weak-hearted though).

There you are. A ready reckoner for all you guys out there.
Go ahead, put your best foot forward. And stun them with your individualistic style, not sniggering behind your back.
Atta guys!

Who Says Life is Beautiful

Have you ever felt that life is hunky-dory, and things couldn’t get better?

You wonder how life could be so rosy, and keep pinching yourself that it really wasn’t all a dream, that it ACTUALLY was your life unfolding in front of you.

Although you had that nagging feeling at the back of your mind that it was criminal to be that happy, you banished those vile thoughts, urging yourself that your E.S.P. was probably completely awry.

Smile firmly put into place, you continued to smell the flowers, and look up at the starry night.

And then it happened.

One minute you were beaming.

The next second, all traces of that smile were expunged from your face.

Utterly devastated, you feel you are falling into an abyss of despair.

Bah! How I hate this unfair life!

Times Global Village Noida: March 30 - April 30, 2007

So yesterday, we made a trip to a kaleidoscope of colors in the form of the Global Village festival, being held near Noida’s toll bridge. Braving the mercilessly scorching late-afternoon Sunday Delhi sun, we made our way to the venue, which can only best be described as an environmental disaster, what with a dry riverbed, the area choked with the populace from perhaps all the neighboring places, automobiles spewing out smoke in regularity, harried parking lot attendants (steep parking at rupees 50 per vehicle. Gosh!), and swirling clouds of dust (aggravating my already tormented throat).

By the by, was just wondering how environmentalists, who recently wielded cudgels, and rendered several slum-dwellers there homeless, allowed the area to host the month-long extravaganza. I can only shake my head and exclaim, “Strange are the ways of the world.”

The hoopla surrounding the Global Village was palpable. Hordes of people, having probably leafed through the pages of the leading national daily that had organized it, had all faithfully queued up to be a part of the event. Spread over 40 acres, out of which 20 acres are allocated for parking, the exposition boasts of national and international stalls, showcasing artifacts, handicrafts, clothes, footwear, etc. There are also food courts for your palate, street performers to amuse the kid in you, pyrotechnics, a funfair, rides, and interesting games like paintball. However, what really caught my eye were the replicas of architectural marvels like Taj Mahal, Burj Al Arab, the Great Wall of China, Eiffel Tower, the Roman Basilica, London Bridge etc that marked the entrance.

With people lining up to get their pics taken there, the entrance was nothing short of chaos. The stalls inside were also nothing spectacular, though they boasted participation from about 15 countries – China, Czech Republic, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Kenya, Pakistan, Senegal, South-sub Sahara African countries, Thailand, Turkey, United Kingdom, UAE and Vietnam. Out of these, the UK stall was the biggest disappointment – with only mugs and bandannas on display. What a pity.

The prices were a tad too high. Bargaining was strictly a no-no. The Chinese lamps, woodwork, and hookahs were by far the best buys, while the price of crystal (though good), was enough to make me arch my eyebrows / roll my eyes.

The heat was getting to us. So we settled for an Indian food court, savoring tangy gol-guppas, jal-jeera, and corn. It had been over two hours, so after having our fill, and hearing some people getting panicky over what was later understood to be a bomb hoax, we made our way home, feet killing us. Whew.

Suggestion – go to the Times Global Village only if
a) A dusty walk is your idea of fun
b) You fancy seeing people dressed in their Sunday ‘sparkly” best (the kind that makes you cringe / reach out for your trusted sunglasses

Oh, and by the way, don’t even bother smoking, especially if you are a woman. You’d probably attract all the attention. Of the kind you’d rather do without.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For bookings / more information, refer to the Global Village site here.

Movie Review: Bheja Fry

Bheja Fry is not your average Hindi comic-bordering-on-cheesy flick, as is the rule nowadays with the tacky comedies that Bollywood has been regularly churning out in hordes. Rather, the director, Sagar Ballary, does serve decent fare in his maiden project.

The only slip-up – the comic caper turns monotonous half way through the movie. And what had amused the audience in the first part, becomes a droning, dragging piece.

The movie does have its shining moments though. Especially in the form of a certain Mr. Pathak, who sails through the part of a bumpkin taxman, and an aspirant singer, with commendable ease. Ranvir Sheorey, another caricaturized tax-officer, also gets the obligatory number of laughs, though I wish he had more screen space t share with his VJ peer.

Rajat Kapoor, as the smug, pom-pomming music producer, seems to have perfected the suave-smooth-operator-meets-haughty act. Except that it starts getting under your skin, and you’d rather that he stop. And probably show some versatility in his next character portrayal. Puhleeeez - Mr. Kapoor, wait jus yet, before you accept yet another cheque for the same kinda character. Jeeeez. In the movie, his idea of an entertaining Friday night is to invite some buffoon, so that he and his other stuck-up friends can share some good old scotch and delicate hors-de-oeuvres, “harmlessly” laughing at the antics of the chosen idiot of the day. Sounds neat, no?

Sarika, his morally-righteous singer-wife, is a character whom the director probably forgot to draw finely. Her sketchy dialogues, mood-spells, bamboo-purses (I felt one of them had a snake coiled inside it), and badly-pronounced English almost wants you to pay for some diction (and theater) classes. (Isn't it surprising that she didn’t pick up any histrionics from her ex-hubby, Kamal Hasan?)

Milind Soman, he of the Star-Trek-ears-variety, tries to hide them under a month of stubble, and long hair. Pity that he also hides his acting skills, under limited screen space, woody dialogue-delivery, doubling up with laughter, and then gliding away on his superbly-crafted crocodile-leather moccasins, before you would even register that he had walked in, in the first place.

All in all, Bheja Fry is a movie strictly for those who have ample time to spare(and waste). Oh yes, also if you fancy singing along to some songs, that Vinay Pathak insists on singing in bursts and starts, in the entire breadth of the movie. I'm not too sure what would be your movie companion(s)' reaction though. Psssst - it could waver between amusement and ire. As an audience to my friend's crooning, I fell in the former category. :-)

Heard that it is a remake of a French movie - Le Diner De Cons (The Dinner Game).

Haven’t seen it. Don’t think I want to either.

Do you?

The case of the frequent missed calls

Everybody around you is doing it.

Your cook, the naighborhood grocery dealer, scrap seller, the kids next door, your colleagues, friends, acquaintances, the maid-who-comes-in-daily, you name him, he's doing so.

Now before you embark on a vivid flight of your fanciful imagination, I'm afraid I'd have to tell you to rein those horses.

I am referring to the spate of hard-to-miss-in-your-face missed calls, that are making their presence felt, all with a couple of even rings.

Your friends have come to pick you up from your place, for a spin around town. Five minutes away from your place, a missed call proudly announces their nearing.

Post-lunch cigarette with that cute colleague? A missed call is all it takes for him / her to know your nicotine-craving time, and join you.

Not quite sure if your amnesiac friend will remember that chore you asked him to do? Fear not, a missed call is your best bet.

Feeling lazy to write that loooong message? Take out your cell in a trice, and place a missed call. Chances are, the other person might return your call.

Missed calls also come to your rescue, when your cell phone balance is precariously low, and you still desire to hear the other person's voice.

A friend who has free outgoing will naturally find himself being bombarded with missed calls by the dozen. Nightmare or heaven, you decide.

It's not always so rosy though.

For instance, when your miser cousin / so-called friend, makes it a regular feature to pester you with missed calls, a smile is the last thing on your mind. (Cussing highly recommended)

But I guess you'll agree that the redeeming features are more than their evils.

After all, they are convenient. Completely no-fuss.

Best of all, they don't cost a penny.