'Knotty' gifts - Being at the receiving end

An article about (un)wanted wedding gifts in yesterday’s national daily brought back a flood of memories from my own ‘knotty’ affair in 2009.

It being mid-April, the weather was at its most-sweltering, hottest, sweatiest best. As if that were not enough, the morning after we took our vows, was dedicated to ripping the carefully-wrapped wedding presents. Some people had done an exceptionally great job of packing - their prezzies tightly-swaddled in mile-long garishly-colored wrapping sheets.

The job looked daunting, but a pair of shiny steel scissors made it a tad easier. Wiping beads of perspiration from our brows, newly-knotty hubby and me descended upon the task at hand, slashing the bow-tied packages.

While some gifts did get the ‘Ooooh, that’s just what we need,’ or ‘I love it’ responses, there were also those that had us scratching our heads in bewilderment.

Which brings me to that pertinent question – why do people insist on gifting these hugely unimaginative gifts?

 The set of air-diffusers, the set of two mugs or the faux leather bag that they very evidently got with a subscription to a magazine. Thrift? Or plain cheap?
 The assortment of lemonade glasses, pitchers, cups and saucers, mugs, tumblers, goblets and crystal bowls. Maybe a cupboard to stack these could be a handy gift too...
 Bath robes and matching carpet slippers for the bride and groom are fine. Why do they have to be accompanied by two more pairs in much smaller sizes – in anticipation of the kids? Duh!
 Cushion covers / table mats / bedsheets / tea cosys / sofa covers / curtains. Did you not read the invite properly? It’s a wedding, for Chrissake! Not a housewarming party. And what really is the need for those 5 vases in one case, in various sizes? Are you telling them that their future home is so drab, all its rooms need flowers to brighten them? Be sure that they would have struck your name off their party list PERMANENTLY...
 Huge picture frames. With bright gold borders. Oh, and did I mention – with the wrong initials
 Clothes in rainbow hues. Or in sizes that you cannot squeeze your frame into, no matter how hard you suck in your breath. Or in sizes that the bride or groom can only fit into if they were 8-months preggers. Reversible belts – Wow!!! Just what they need! And pray what are the ties for – for the newly-weds to hang themselves? Point noted
 Coffee table books. Sheathed in heavier than cast-iron boxes. The kinds that would make you go ‘Owwww’ if they were to fall upon your foot
 Spa vouchers. At seedy spas. Or at spas you would grade 0.25 on a rate of 1 to 10 in terms of their hygiene factor
 Philosophy books. Really???
 Ceramic animals. ‘Nuf said!
 This one is for that ingenious species – called the Re-gifters. Old, (un)used gifts are wrapped in gaudy sheets, and Voila! You have yellowed-frayed-at-the-edges towels, that have unquestionably seen better days. And which were kept surrounded by mothballs in that family trunk for years, waiting to see the light of day. They did emerge from their hibernation - after 6 loooong years. Ahem!
 Prezzies with price tags deliberately left on. No matter how much you want to impress, their givers invariably get an entry into the Most-trashy-gifters category...
 Blenders, irons and iron boards, tea kettles, hot flasks, toasters, immersion rods (Gasp), juicers
 Cook books. Loads of them. Some in regional languages that the groom and the bride may not be familiar with
 A stationery hamper. No doubt flicked over a period of time from office (eyes rolling)

With the wedding season on in full gusto around us, I hear many of my about-to-get-hitched pals, making plans of making elaborate gift registries, to avoid the frustration of getting multiple bedsheets. There are also those who are toying with the idea of putting in a wishing well at the venue, for added measure, hoping that the ‘green’ initiative takes off well...

To see whether their efforts bear fruit, I’d have to wait for a good month and a half to transpire (which is the time for those friends to get ‘knotty’).

Or perhaps, we’ll be sitting together on some warm January Sunday afternoon, drinking out of those same painted lemonade glasses, and guffawing about the seventeen exactly-similar mini-irons that were probably bought around the same time at this year’s Trade Fair...

Keep watching this space for more on this…

To sue or not to sue - now THAT is the question

The Stella Awards, synonymous with outrageous lawsuits, are guaranteed to make you raise your eyebrows, smirk at the plainly ludicrous and frivolous lawsuits slapped by many, and shake your head in disbelief when you learn that those opportunistic weirdos got greenbacks, loads of ‘them, for those same absurd claims.

In 1992, a septuagenarian lady - Stella Liebeck (and you thought that women that age are relatively harmless), sued McDonald’s when the hot coffee she had bought from a drive-in, fell on her lap, scalding her.

Her claim—McDonald’s sold “dangerous” coffee that could lead to burns (as in her case).

Her next step...? She sued!

The damages that she won - to the tune of $6,40,000 (but many claim that it was much more than that) had everyone sitting up, blinking their eyes rapidly and making a mental note to strike her off their party lists. F-O-R-E-V-E-R! Is that me whistling...you bet!

Since the Mcdonald’s Coffee claim, there have been many cases that defy sanity and gumption. To make it worse, many of these have actually gone on to collect mini-fortunes, cash-in on their fiteen seconds of fame on the idiot box, and go laughing all the way to the bank. Whoa!

The Stella Awards does a neat job of handpicking the most bizarre cases, every year. Sample some of these:

— A woman sued a home store when a bird flying outside the store attacked her (her line of reasoning – the home store shouldn’t be allowing birds to fly around it.). What did she expect – the home store to hire men with air guns…?

— A chap sued two magicians – they were being ‘difficult,’ he said. The motive – they didn’t share with him their trade secrets of how they performed their magic tricks. I say the two poor magicians should have taught him, albeit a little differently – would have been fun to see him pull out a hungry, roaring lion out of his black hat, instead of the customary long-eared rabbit, at a Sunday practice for children. Let’s just say the parents wouldn’t have been very amused, and gone ahead to slap some charges of their own...

— A woman involved in a car wreck sued the automobile maker for not issuing instructions that every passenger was required to wear a seatbelt.

— A guy hit by lightning outside an amusement park, sued the amusement park for failing to issue a notice to people advising them to stay in during thunderstorms.

— An enterprising guy changed his name to “Jack Ass,” and claimed that the MTV and American namesakes films and shows were plagiarized from him, and severely hurt his image. So he proved that his self-christening was just about right and made a Jack Ass of himself and went right ahead in suing MTV.

- A smoke-puffing woman, with a family history of coronary artery disease and high blood pressure, weighing over 150 pounds, with a penchant for high-cholesterol, swimming-in-fat fried food, sued her doctors for $1 million for not forcing her to change her habits! Along the same lines, a guy dued KFC, McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s for becoming obese and diabetic, and not advising him that he shouldn’t be frequenting them multiple times every week. WTH!

There certainly isn’t a dearth of dotty people in the world, I guess.

Our 'Children's Day'

We walk down the street happily,
This day is after all ours,
When we spot a little girl crying,
Suffering hunger, for no fault of hers.

We stand there, shocked,
As the smile soon goes off our face.
Our friends are rejoicing, celebrating,
And there is gloom all over this place.

We know not how to react,
To be happy anyway, or to feel sad.
Many of us wear costly attires,
But some kids are barely clad.

Our hearts sink deeper,
When those poor children we see,
Who spend their days slogging,
When they should be jumping with glee.

We wipe a tear and then decide,
These kids too, deserve some joys.
We pull out some clothes and toys,
And give them to those girls and boys.

When they smile, and their faces glow,
Our day is made, yes, we know.

Dunno who wrote the above, but does strike a deep chord in me, reminding me that I am lucky, as probably you are. But there are millions of kids out there, for whom it is a different story altogether.

Every day, we see the sobering statistics on what it’s like to be a vulnerable, underprivileged child in today’s society. We shake our heads sympathetically, deplore their conditions, make a mental note to drop some coins into the outstretched palms of the next child we see on the roads, and the very next minute, forget all about them.

Let's do something for these kids, each in our own small way. You could volunteer at an NGO, attend some workshops for CRY, or even start with teaching your maid's daughter / kid the English alphabet.

Let's get together and engage in a hand-up, not merely a hand-out...

Go spread the love, and make someone smile.

Some Neverlands

Haven’t we all been through that agonizing day, when we would give an arm and a leg to escape to an imaginary land, a getaway from that hard as nails boss / that whining co-worker / so-called friends who fail to ‘understand us,” / a pay packet that tries to equate peanuts with the Crown jewels / the relative from hell who makes the evil stepmother from Snow White look like an angel / (add your own pet-peeve here)?

Wouldn’t it be just wonderful to run away from it all, and seek refuge in some charming place, far far away from the madding crowd (pardon the plagiarizing, Mr. Hardy)? An assortment of names of imaginary lands comes to my mind, where you could run off, and begin the happily-ever-after-fairytale that has eluded you forever?

So while the following are the top imaginary places that come to my mind, whether or not you’d some day, like to retreat to the, is entirely your choice..

1. Riverdale: who can possibly not want to live in Riverdale, the much-loved residence of unforgettable characters like freckle-face Archie, high and mighty Reggie, snobbish Veronica, classic girl-next-door Betty, constantly-fantasizing about food Jughead, with his equally-gluttonous mutt – Top Dog, hopelessly-in-love-with-Jughead-who-doesn’t-even-know-her-existence Big Ethel, beefcake-with-no-brains Moose, his pint-sized girlfriend – Midge (often the object of Archie and Reggie’s joint affection), the battling-his-bulge Mr. Weatherbee, human computer Dilton, and a host of other characters – all equally contributing to making Riverdale High the coolest, hippest place to be in. Add to it, beaches, shopping malls, the iconic ice-cream parlor owner by plump Pop Tates, and you get an idyllic retreat. Perfect place for the young at heart. The others can just go and eat crow…

2. Lilliput and Blefuscu: First appearing in the eighteenth century novel, Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift, Lilliput and Blefuscu are two fictional islands separated from each other by a channel, and whose inhabitants were notable for their dwarf-like stature and their evident bitterness with each other because of differences of opinion over how to “correctly” eat a boiled-egg. Talk about being bad eggs!!

3. Narnia: Four siblings. A seemingly innocous looking wardrobe. A magical land where it is always winter. Animals that talk. A wicked usurper White Witch reigning over the kingdom. A wronged lion-king, Aslan. And lo and behold! You have your very own fantasy world. One where obviously good prevails over evil in the end. Now if only things were this simple in our mundane lives…

4. Oz: Possibly one of the most well-known and read-about imaginary lands. Divided into four color-coordinated countries, Oz houses fairies, witches, wizards, gnomes, flatheads, living dolls – called cuttenclips etc. Sure would be an interesting place to be in…

5. Utopia: Best friend, an ex-reporter, and perpetual philosophy-spouting wonder woman, first talked about this Greek fictional island, a few days after it was discussed in my majors class – many many years back (yeah, I AM that old). Boasting of a perfect social, legal, and political system, Utopia, is now, more often used to refer to an ideal place, obviously an impossibility. As to why best friend had brought up the issue, let’s just keep it for another day…

6. Wonderland: Favorite cousin is eternally like the quintessential Alice, lost in her very own wonderland, a private-dreamlike state of mind, wherein she forgets simple chores, giggling like a school-girl when she is reminded of them. A habit, I am unfortunately, picking up from her, I guess. Not my proudest achievements, let me add...

7. Malgudi: Immortalized by the Indian author R.K. Narayan, Malgudi forms the setting for the adventures of Swami, a mischievous ten-year old, along with his friends, Rajam and Mani, all of whom are joined in their ambition of forming a cricket team, to break away from the monotony of their evangelical, stressing-on-Christianity-and-literature school.

And obviously the list cannot be complete without...

8. Hogwarts: An adolescent wizard. Two best friends. A malevolent wizard. An academy for young wizards and witches. All of them have captured the undivided attention of children and adults alike. And making the blonde writer go chuckling all the way to the bank. Not that we are complaining...After all, isn’t it therapeutic to read about magical realms, far away from the harsh reality that pervades our lives on a daily basis?

So, which one would you kill to escape to?

My vote is divided between Riverdale and Hogwarts...

And your point is...?

Sample this:

Person 1 - ‘Ohh, I’m glad to hear he was able to come and sort out the issue at your place. Good friends are hard to come by. Does he stay someplace nearby?’

Person 2 – ‘Yeah, he stays right on my backside.’

Person 1 (Chuckling) (All this while, thinking of the abovementioned friend, who probably had a certificate course in glue-management under his smart belt...What else could explain how he was always around him, much like a Siamese twin, joined at the much touted rear)– ‘Ermm, Uhmmm, well, nevermind.’


The chuckling would invariably offend the first friend, who would, in all certainty – either glare or stare blankly, completely oblivious to the fact how his behind had become the butt of a joke. Pun intended!

He is not alone – he’s joined by many others, who unwittingly pass an innocuous remark, often causing the listener(s) to dissolve into unrestrained mirth. Such are the ways of this world – wherein merrily-spirited people will chuckle, guffaw, jab fingers unkindly, wipe streams of tears while clutching their bellies – all the while at the expense of a poor chap who has innocently committed a verbal gaffe...

Take for instance, quite some time back, a sedate lady caused me endless hilarity when she stated solemnly how her aunt was paralyzed, a criminal from the waist down. The poor soul most probably meant crippled, and was aghast when I stuffed a tissue into my mouth to stifle my laughter.

I’m guessing she won’t be speaking with me ever again.

A week back, I was speaking with a group who had only unkind things to say about our country. A gentleman in his late thirties even commented how we would have been better off had the British continued their rule.

I retorted that such confirmed Anglophiles should leave the country and seek citizenship in England, munch on cookies and sing Long Live the Queen.

He turned an apoplectic purple – if looks could kill, I would have dropped dead instantaneously.

He started a vitriolic attack against me, emphatically stating that he was not an Anglophile, how could I have had called him such a lowly thing (?), and all horrid Anglophiles along the likes of a tainted King of Pop should be chained, caned and given the Electric chair.

In a minute, my face contorted into a broad Cheshire cat grin – the guy was talking of the other Phile – Paedophile. That explained his caustic rage at me.

Shaking my head, and suppressing a smile, I promised myself that I would speak the simplest words with him in the future.

“He is the very pineapple of success.”(Deliberate pause by speaker to receive a round of applause).

However, he was mildly surprised that his oft-spoken line did not meet with loud clapping; what was even more unsettling was that some people in the audience were smirking.

Gosh-in a split second, he realized that he had used a malapropism for “pinnacle.”
That explained the snide remarks and sly nudges...

I was mildly alarmed, when a well-meaning friend’s wife admired the delicate pendulum (pendant) around my neck.

Yet another acquaintance, after several minutes of my careful explaining of a particular procedure to her, announced dramatically, her hands high up in the air, "It is beyond my apprehension (comprehension)!"

A co-worker on a Project was left rather red-faced when he pointed out that he preferred doing both phases of the project simultaneously, as he wanted to paralyze the project.

Imagine my face when I was seeking reassurance from a chap, asking him if he would get the job done – and he, a picture of confidence, asked me not to worry, adding that the job would be done – after all, he was very remorseful (resourceful)...

My trust in him was slightly shaken, to say the least!

A person who I know slightly, once told me that upon his death, he wanted me to write his tributary in the newspaper.

He was most hurt to see me smiling.

I had to do my utmost to reassure him that I would be shattered if he were to die, but I would definitely write a glowing obituary for him.

I once met this earringed-spiked-haired-student, who announced to me that he was most keen on studying in the US of A.

Upon my casual asking, if he would be seeking a scholarship / funding, he was quick to reply that he came from a very effluent (affluent)family…

Needless to say, I almost passed out…

There are funnier examples, for instance, once, while talking about surnames and nee names, this 20-something girl chirped that her mother’s mating(maiden) name was Choudhary.

I bet the mother would not have been very pleased with her daughter’s candor…

Another time, a bloke had me scratching my head, when he declared that his density lay in becoming a singer. It took me all of a minute to realize that he meant destiny, and that I was not that dense.

A spinster, in her late thirties, once told me that she felt like a social piranha (pariah), because of her unmarried status.

She thought I was tremendously rude, when instead of tut-tutting sympathetically, I shot her a look of pure glee.

The look that she gave me was however, pure venom...

At the gym, the other day, a lady was conversing with another in the locker room, how she preferred working out than swimming for dietary reasons – because when she swam, she'd invariably return vanished(?) (famished), and could almost eat a horse…

The last one definitely takes the cake...

Imagine that you are deeply immersed in your work, and this apologetic-faced person comes up to you, and starts off breathlessly, “Pardon me for protruding (intruding)...”

I guessing you will relapse (collapse) in a fit of laughter…