The other day I saw a guy walk past me nonchalantly, a bright tie in harmony with his otherwise sombre shirt, both colors offsetting each other to perfection.
While on any other day I would have looked aside, that day I took a different course of action – craning my head to give him a second glance.
Let me assure you though – the guy was no Brad Pitt look-alike.
Far from it. But yes, he sure looked straight out of the pages of a ‘What-men-should-no- wear’ handbook. That nonchalance sure seemed a bit misplaced, considering people were openly sniggering at what he had chosen to don for the day – a tie with a short-sleeved shirt. Now, that’s a style best left to beefy male models on the ramp.
And even they try to talk their way out of committing that faux pas. Of course we’ve all seen men who wear trousers that are short. Or so long that they could pass off as a bride’s trail. Or so droopy that they look like gangsters. We’ve seen men who wear socks with sandals. You have the dudes who wear dungarees. There are those who suck in their bellies and swear by their Bermudas, no matter how ludicrous they may seem in them. There are the lovers of the tight-tees-that-make-breathing-a-problem. We’ve seen them all – and openly wondered at their daring and obvious (lack of) style statement.
Now, I’m all for democracy. I do try my best (these days) not to laugh my head right off when I see people of my gender do the dressed-to-kill routine.
And I mean, literally. Think pink - gloss, talons, skirt, peasant top, bag, hell – footwear – and you are bound to appreciate even Reese Witherspoon from Legally Blonde. Or another case – my sisters who decide one day that they needed to spice up their dull lives – and slather all the glittery makeup they possess –on the same day.
Coming back to the case in question – what are some of the items that some men find so cool, thinking that they leave behind them a bevy of heady admirers, when they are only the cause of much merriment, barely-restrained guffaws and eye-popping dazedness?
1. Men wearing skinny jeans – They can barely walk, what with appendages that beg to be released from strangulatory contraptions. The best gift that these men can get is a pair of scissors –
fast!
2. The Aladdin-pointed shoes – Every cockroach’s nightmare.
They can easily needle cockroaches with them. Or dig. Or play darts with. Or write with them if their pens run out of ink. Or flick stones from the gravel. Let your imagination run amok...Add to that the Cowboy-strut and you have your very own preening peacock which, sadly, looks every bit gay
3. The I’m-so-cool-I-wear-my-younger-sister’s Tees – because of him, a female sibling somewhere is without her favourite t-shirt. He squeezes himself into her (pink) t-shirt, promptly calls himself metrosexual and saunters cockily to the coffee bar, thumbs-inside-his-jeans pockets. He’s a sight for sore eyes – especially when he decides to stand on tiptoe to reach out for a cookie jar– and gives you a much-forgettable glimpse of his hairy stomach.
That you don’t finish your cappuccino- is guaranteed...4. Cutesy shirts – The last thing you want to see a fat, balding man in is a yellow shirt that proclaims him to be ‘Cho Chweet’ – in hard-to-miss bold lettering. Or a beige T-shirt with a Donald Duck staring right at you in all his orange glory. Do us a favour, will ya – snap back out of your fantasy land, and get hold of your 7-year old great-grand nephew.
Better still - make your barbeque grill happy!
5. The Patterned-King – think check-shirts and trousers with vertical stripes – get the drift? They sway while they walk – doing nothing to help that throbbing headache and pained eyes they leave you with.
6. The Mountaineers / Astronauts – now I can understand that Woodlands makes some good pairs of hiking shoes. Must these clunky, chunky bits be worn to the office, mall, neighbourhood grocery store, everywhere - that is my question?
7. The shine stars –
Look it’s a peacock. It’s a gleaming scooter. It’s Asimo – the Honda robot. Ohhh – it’s just someone in his silver vest and shiny black trousers. This look is best avoided – unless you want a teenager to stare into your shiny shirt and hand-comb his hair. Or be asked your price by some leering-smacking-her-lips-hormonally-overcharged forty-something lady...
8. The Hangers – Ass hanging out, they walk jauntily – sometimes when their jeans pockets look they would be kissing the floor, they flick their wrists and do a wriggling motion to pull them up – and thus give their innerwear (on display) some respite. This is repeated once every five minutes. There is immense help at hand – by walking into the nearest denim store.
9. The wrong shirt-tuckers – their shirts ill-fit them. Keeping them out is sloppy. Tucking them in is equally a no-no – the unflattering lump they form below the waist does nothing to dissuade many an amused viewer from smiling.
10. The Colourful bloke – this guy has obviously not woken up to the mantra of less is more. He has had a decidedly dull moment, and insists on wearing all colours in his wardrobe at the same time. A rainbow would blush at his sight, and disappear just as fast as it appeared over the horizon
Think I’ve missed out some fashion bloopers that men make?
I told ya I am a Democrat – Add them here.
Gee- thanks.
