Dancing in the Dark?

The world is divided into two categories – those who can dance, and those who can’t.

And yet, we have hordes who cannot accept that they really weren’t meant to be in the sequel to Saturday Night Fever. Despite their all-too-clear case of two left feet, they insist on showing off to all and sundry that they are best fit to be head trainers for the advanced dance class at the posh studio in the next block. So much for optimism! And dance academies that scream otherwise from the rooftops...

Let me just state for the record: I’m no good with dancing. Years of flailing my arms around, I’ve reconciled that while I don’t exactly have two left feet, dance is something I should keep aside – like flat beer. I have absolutely no delusions about my dancing skills (or lack of them), and am quite at peace with the fact that I’ll probably never be an integral part of a dance troupe.

There I said it!

No shamefacedness. Just a crisp, clear confession.

Equally candid is my compilation about the various ‘dancers’ I have had the good fortune to have come across – the ones who I could watch all day.

While some are like ostriches on a see-saw, some step on your toes (and your patience), some just bop, some look as if they are in extreme agony and should visit an acupuncturist, while some look as if they are gingerly avoiding cracks on the pavement.

Here they go:

1. Snake dancer – Right at the top of my list is this specimen – he would make a snake proud – what with all the sweeping, circular, uncoiling, and writhing. He’s got a hood too – make that two hoods – hands raised together, shaped as domes. And as if the hoods weren’t enough to scare you, you have to also contend with the biting postures and occasional hissing sounds. Give this dancer a wide berth – you’ll thank me later…

2. The tipsy tap dancer – Such sorts ‘dance’ (or rather, make you laugh at their antics), but only after they have downed a few. The beer-brings-a-cheer philosophy was perhaps coined keeping them in mind. And they sure bring the house down after their sozzled feet make an entry on the dance floor. A one-a two-a three-and there! You spot them next squatting on the dance floor – complaining to no one in particular how the floor ‘caved’ under their feet. These dancers often also ape superheroes, and you can easily see them looking for their Batmobiles (or cloaks), trying to scale the wall a la Spiderman, or darting looks in horror why their Superman flying skills have left them in the lurch suddenly. Amusing – to say the least...

3. The ‘Walk like the Egyptian’ dancers – Remember this immensely popular Bangles number in the 80’s? Now cut back to current times – and imagine, some people still dance like that. Perhaps they are caught in a time warp. Perhaps they are avid fans of the Bangles. Perhaps they recently returned from a trip to the Pyramids of Giza. Whatever be the reasons – they shuffle awkwardly, swing slowly from side to side, trying hard to maintain their balance, while the onlookers try hard to swallow their chuckles.

4. The No-dancers – these ones have mastered the art of deluding. So while people think that they are dancing, what they are only doing are tapping their feet, drumming their beer or twirling their glasses, swaying lightly, doing karaoke renditions, snapping their fingers in rhythm – in all, doing everything except dancing. Super smart – I call these.

4. a. The wishing-I-was-the-DJ sorts - A variation of the above category, this guy will not only not dance but also, at regular intervals, how he would have made a much better (and popular) DJ than the one currently belting out tunes to the dancing junta. If he happens to be a friend, and you gently remind him that the last time he was given a free hand to get into the DJ avatar, he had song binged 17 odd times, you would suddenly find yourself the subject of a freezing stare or worse, an unkind elbow shove.

5. The Headbangers – now while I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with these (having been one myself), quite a few of them take the term pretty literally. So heads are banged animatedly, causing those standing nearby to go ‘Owwwww,’ tempers are somewhere near boiling point, and it doesn’t help that the glass you had been nursing affectionately for the last half hour, is dashed unceremoniously to the ground. So while their undisguised enthusiasm is all too obvious, equally unmistakable is the anger it evokes in those nearby

6. The train dancers – 1,2,3,4,5,6 people…enough to start a chugging train. You are in the midst of impressing that Hot! Hot! Hot! Stranger with your mean moves on the dance floor, when poof – you are relegated to the background…’cos a human train of 6 barely-out-of-their-teens party has decided to chug-chug around you, puffing engine sounds including. And before you can damage-control your dance moves, you find that the stranger who you had been madding round eyes at, the entire evening, has also decided to hop on..Phee Phee Chug Chug – he / she coos. What a waste, innit!

7. I will dance only when they play ‘MY’ song – hard to be missed, these ones – they will stand anywhere – in the corner, near a table, in the middle of the dance floor, looking hard at the DJ the entire time, waiting for that elusive number which they claim is their ‘Faaaaaaaaaayvorite.’ If and only if that number is played, will they deign to grace the dance floor with their moves. But till then, they will stand, fully ready. Sometimes the DJ does play their song – which puts them into a wildly euphoric mood; sometimes he doesn’t – in which case they keep looking longingly at him. Frantic ‘Hoys and Heys’ are shouted across the dance floor – and sometimes the DJ does relent, and put them out of their miseries…

8. People who dance to be picked up – their grotesque dance moves are eyeball popping and openly scream – ‘pick me up!’ Their sinuous steps are deliberate, so are their pelvic thrusts, and anyone within an arm’s radius and sometimes even beyond that, can figure that streetwalkers aren’t easier to come by than at the nearest discotheque.

9. The ‘mates’ – Aussies they are not, they dance as if in a mating ritual. The only difference – they might not wind up with a mate, but only appalled / revolted / murderous looks from horrified onlookers. The mating ritual is sometimes accompanied by groans which would have been more apt for a debauch flick.

10. The smoke-dancers – these have perfected the art of puffing and dancing. They pooh-pooh the idea of smoke-free dance floors, but since the sight of burly bouncers aren’t really their idea of fun, they inhale a long drag of nicotine, make their way to the floor, and while in the midst of a Cha-Cha step, exhale right into your lungs. Your indignant splutter does not elicit any apology from them, and in the next few moments, you are at the receiving end of a coughing fit, an unkind elbow into your unmentionables, and some very overpowering odor near your sickened nose, thanks to sweaty armpits doing an enthusiastic jig.

And the list goes on…

Perhaps you know some freestylers too. Feel free to pen your thoughts here.

No one’s judging… Go ahead…