Take a look around - couples are aplenty – walking hand in hand at the park, learning how to groove to the salsa, grocery-shopping, at the mall, at clubs, sweating it out in a queue outside the theatre, haggling with the roadside vendor – in short – everywhere.
Yet despite their ubiquity, couples are all different – the Laurel and Hardy sorts, the volcanic and placid sorts, the master-slave sorts, the he / she completes me in everything sorts, the idol and fan sorts, and finally – those who are downright endearing to the exact opposite. This post, however, in true VA style, will not celebrate the saccharine sweetness of the charming types, focusing instead on some of the more exasperating specimens – the ones you feel like sending to a Finishing school – at their expense, of course.
Without any further ado, let’s look at some types that put the A in ‘Annoying’…
The cat and dog fighters – they give a whole new meaning to love – loving looks are replaced by glares, smiles are replaced by smirks, sweet nothings are replaces by nasty adjectives, caresses are replaced by painful jabs in the middle – you get the drift, don’t you. Looking at them you wonder why they are even together in the first place, since they look they would be more at peace if they would drive a stake through each other’s hearts. If they had to make a movie on themselves, it would in all probability, be called ‘Conflict Zone’
The Shrink’s Delight – This is not the name of a diet ice-cream. These couples have absolutely no qualms about pouring perfectly good money into the hands of yet another gleeful counsellor. They believe that therapy is the solution to all their problems – big and small. So be it what breed of dog to buy, to what they should name their child – they hop over to the nearest counsellor, who nods his head, clucks his tongue sympathetically, rests his chin patiently on his elbow, has that faraway, thoughtful look on his face while he listens to them rapt in attention….and after the cathartic hour has passed, guffaws at their expense (pun intended) when the couple walks away
The Social Networking Relationshippers – If you are a social networking retard, chances are – you wouldn’t know that X was dating Y. Such couples are prime examples of people who get into a relationship, or worse, pretend to be in one, just so they can update their relationship status on their FB, Twitter, Orkut, MySpace, Wayn, and Hi5 accounts.
Sample the following series of events:
Date: December 15, 2009
X: Relationship status – single
(December 16 – X in a gym. Goes towards water cooler. Bumps into Random guy – Y. Y smiles awkwardly, mouthing a hasty 'I'm sorry.' Offers full cup of water as way of apology to X. needless to say - X is ecstatic)
Date: December 16, 2009
X: Relationship status – committed
(Smileys rub shoulders with each other. He’s the One’ shrieking in bold, red lettering. Not to be missed – the dripping blood-red string of hearts
The Joined at the hip couple – barring the odd trip to the loo, they do everything together (though I have a strong suspicion that if society didn’t frown upon members of the opposite gender going into gender-specified restrooms, they wouldn’t have given it a miss). Faithful to a fault, they would do a sleuth proud, shadowing each other in perfect, dizzying harmony. Sandwiches are broken into two, morsels fed lovingly to each other, glasses of lemonade are downed in simultaneous sips – I have a feeling they also synchronize their...tch tch – dirty fellas – I was talking about them synchronizng their breathing – sheesh! Filthy minds can only think of one thing!
The PDA champions – an exposed wrist is all that they need to begin the drooling, dribbling routine. They don’t believe in playing footsie under the table – anything subtle is not for them. They fit more in the flaunt-it-to-all-and-sundry compartment. Even if you are six tables away from them, you can’t help but notice the aggressive tongue hockey they engage in – it’s a wonder the bartender who’s serving them, can keep a straight face.
The Shakes-peer queers – if it’s a book, chances are they’ve turned its pages. According to them, there is no other more well-read couple than them on the planet. And they have no qualms of turning up their cultured noses at the lesser mortals who engage in frivolous reading, or worse – no reading at all. No conversation in the attendance of these couples is complete without some soul-baring experience which they narrate copiously, till your eyes start drooping all by themselves
The we-can’t-help-but-be-accomplished couple – Now this is one couple you don’t want to risk meeting, unless you are a masochist, out to get a deliberate beating in self worth and esteem. They nonchalantly drop titbits of information about how the Cabinet Minister insists on coming for their Sunday brunch, how next week they'd have to cancel plans wth you as they would be fundraising for the Make a Wish Foundation with the CEO of the oh-so-hot-right-now MNC. His business proposal has been accepted at London, and now Bummer - he has to purchase woollens for his one-month stay there (maybe the Dorchester, where he usually bumps into his good friend - Liz Taylor, will have wollens in their clothes outlet). Meanwhile, wifey - would be de-stressing after her new restaurant opening with her friends, who include a reigning beauty queen, a spa owner, the top buyer from Harrods, and the Director of an international cosmetics brand. They make everything sound so apologetically sweet and casual, that you feel disgusted at yourself for wanting them both to choke on the matching Hermes scarves they wear
The Cutesy name caller couples – their conversation goes somewhat like this –
‘She - Munchkin, would you get me a Fruit Punch please?
He – Of course, honey bun.
She - Oh you would, cuddle muffin?
He - Anything for you – my Snuggle Bunny.
She - Thanks, dumpling. Mwahhs.
He – Mwahhs. Be right back, Pooky Pooky. ’While they expect you to go ‘Awwww, they’re cho chweet,’ the only expression that comes on your face is one of wide-eyed disbelief, followed soon by sheer disgust.
The Sloshed couple – The first letter of the English alphabet is ‘A’ – and instead of the fruit that we associate it with, they have replaced it with a more pungent, and giving-more-kick-than-fruit - Alcohol. Hic hic. Serving liquor in their midst is like keeping a bunch of bananas in front of apes. Literally speaking, alcohol makes them ‘Go Bananas.’ Two hours later – let’s just say that to get them home, you need an animal van, some tranquilizer, a can of strong room freshener, a fresh pair of clothes, and a very patient driver who doesn’t need to be pointed out where they live. You want to steer clear of this couple ata party, unless you fantasize about becoming a babysitter to two grown adults...
The Sober sorts – the exact opposites of the kind above, they are so squeaky clean, a vodka would blush in front of them, and try to drown by itself in a liter of water. Self righteous to the core, they cross their arms and arch their eyebrows, tut-tutting and frowning upon any kind of intoxication. If you weren’t such a rigid bull, you would have by now thrown away that ‘evil’ pack of B&H Lights, after dipping it in that ‘equally wicked’ pilsner of beer.
The matchmaker sorts – if by some stroke of ill-luck they come to know that you are a singleton, they would decide to take you under their wing – alternating between reasons why you should be in a relationship (no matter how bad), narrating nasty little stories about the single owner whose cat ate him / her up and the body was found by the sweeper, and setting you up with hideous people who you can only imagine came straight out of your niece’s book on nightmares and scary creatures.
The Been-there-done-that couple – Going for bungee jumping? Try the one in Ticino. Fancy a spa – you should go to Phuket, and use their name for a discount. Getting a membership at the golf club? Yeah – it’s nice, they got it two years back. Yawnnn! Anything new? Anything that you do or are planning to do – they’ve already done that – adventure sports, luxury vacations, cruises, club memberships, rally driving - and you would of course, do well to ‘benefit’ from their sound bytes. Smug little twits they are – but of course, they were only ‘trying to help.’ After all, what are ‘friends’ for..?
The laughing at their own jokes couple – agreed, we all have our own secrets, codes and jokes. But these couples take it to the hilt – in the middle of conversation, they will look at each other, nudge and shake with uncontrollable laughter, while all the time you are itching to know the joke. Of course they won’t tell you, and just when you have resigned yourself to nobody status, there they are at it again – laughing yet again at another inside joke which you are totally clueless about/
I’m wondering, which of these TOOMA and I fall in. And which kinds of couples have I missed out on.
Eitherwhichways, care to answer? I’d love to hear your say...
No comments:
Post a Comment