Many of my friends tell me anecdotes about dinner companions and luncheon dates. Some of which, I must add, leave you holding your aching sides, to keep from dropping off your chair in utter amusement.
I thought it would be good fun to compile some of these “gems” who could be seated across the table from you, causing you to squirm in your oh-so-comfy settee, while at the same time wishing that either you or them could drop dead that very moment. While my sense of humor might not hit yours bang on, I nevertheless, thought it was worth a try...
Let’s start with the slurpers.
So, the soup arrives. These people sure believe in sound being their strongest allies. The reason – sounds of all kinds – of the slurping, sucking, sloshing, and gulping category, make their way to your acutely delicate aural pair. Causing smoke to drift out from them. And making you grit your teeth, and clench your palms. The Hot and Sour Soup definitely makes you Hot and Dour!!
Then you have the sniffers.
Now these people could probably give all those sniffer-dogs a run for their money. As soon as the sous chef arrives with the hors d'œuvres, and gingerly places them on the gleaming ivory table, your companion decides to inspect each entrée, sniffing deftly, and laying down each of them with a triumphant / orgasmic look / smile after its due course of inhaled inspection. Almost makes you want to gag.
Next in line are the dissectors.
Mathematics sure must have been their favorite subject in high school. Their precision in eating all kinds of food in “parts,” definitely deserves a worthy note of mention here. Given a chance, they would doubtless, even divide your regular peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich into sub-atomic particles, gingerly toy with them with their forks, before pushing them into their mouths.
You also have the “savor”-ers.
These are the ones who enjoy their food so much that you would be through with double rounds of the entire seven-course delectable meal, and they would still be on their bruschettas. And bear pleased-as-Punch looks on their face – as they are the ones who really relish their food. Pooh pooh to the quick eaters!
You also have the “hand”-y ones.
Cutlery was probably invented by a fool; nothing gives these people greater joy than attending even a black-tie affair, folding their shirt-sleeves till their elbows, and digging into the food gracing the table, at breakneck speed. Too bad one only has eight fingers and two thrumbs. Tsk tsk. Spectators be damned!
You also have the “saucy” ones (pardon the pun)…
The food arrives. Without even tasting a spoonful, these people will uncork the ketchup / salsa / hot sauce / mustard / Tabasco / cayenne / wasabi bottle. And squish….a semi-liquid river has just been poured generously. It is a marvel how they make their way through it, chomping bravely, smile firmly in place, though their eyes / cheeks could give away some redness, and some tell-tale sniffing is concealed with excuses about a cold.
Ohhh, how can you forget the breed of loud eaters / chewers with their mouths open?
Probably one of the most obnoxious sorts – these folks believe that your seeing the bolus in their mouths constitutes a pretty sight. So you try your best to continuously stir your coffee, knowing that if you were to look up, you wouldn’t help but notice the ricotta-corn-spinach sandwich being vigorously chewed in the mouth of the strapping joker sitting across you. With a pained look, you try to keep your eyes diverted, but sooner or later, you are bound to look their way, when they are garbling with food in their mouth, and then quickly look the other way again, when you see moving particles inside their mouth. Ugggh!
Another type are the shovelers.
They will order dumplings, fried rice, noodles, chopsuey, tofu, and soy egg, mix it all up, and then shovel it in. Leaving you aching to run back home, and reach out for that aspirin.
One of Joey’s (of F*R*I*E*N*D*S fame) pet peeves is people helping themselves to food from his plate.
Which brings us to the next category – the I-don’t-believe-in-asking category.
So you have those people who will not only take bites from your plate, but given a chance, polish it all off. Now, if they would only seek permission, maybe that frown would exit your face for another time…Getting your food stolen off your table, hurts even more, if you happen to be one of those who swear by the rule of “delayed gratification,” leaving the tastiest piece for the last, only to have it grabbed by one rogue of a dinner companion, right under your pretty nose.
You also have the swishers.
Sample scene – attendant arrives with fresh bottled water / wine / whatever you may. Uncorks bottle. Pours the sparkly / bubbly / water into tall glasses. Your companion takes a long sip, sighs contentedly, and swishes the beverage inside his mouth. Gargle. Glug. Swish. Transporting you to memories of your childhood bi-annual visits to the biggest bane of 'em all - the dentist. There the heartless dentist would poke strange tools into your mouth, peer inside, and make you consume poisonous tasting stuff, and make you swirl it in your mouth. When you would freeze him with a pained / furious look, and he knew you couldn’t take it much longer, he would nod his head, and allow you to spit it out, but not without making your ears burn with a homily on how the youth of the day lacked patience and endurance power, and making your palms itch with an inordinate desire to box his ears. You would leave the clinic, with memories of a sadistic dentist deeply entrenched in your mind (though only till the time you were presented with a yummy choco-chip ice-cream for your “courage”). Thoughts of the dreaded dentist would disappear, life would look rosy, but only till the next 6 months, when it would be time again for another visit. Aaaargh.
But I guess I’m deviating from the topic.
So let’s move on to another group – the tappers.
Menus come. Orders are placed. Menus are removed. Food comes. Empty dishes are taken away. One thing is constant – that steady tap tap tap sound. These people believe that nothing makes a meal tastier and (un)forgettable than some steady soul-stirring music. And what could possibly be better than their own masterpieces. So their fingernails develop a life of their own, and constantly keep up the tap-tap-tap routine, causing you to make
a) umpteen visits to the loo
b) phone calls to all and sundry
c) pleadings to the offending owner of the tapping fingernails
But all in vain. The fingernails have suddenly found their calling. It’s a syndrome. It's called Have fingernails. Will tap. Period!
You also have the Questioners.
Hey waiter, what’s a combo? Is the fondue fresh? Are you sure the wine is from France? Can I get a free side-dish? And so on, and so forth. Soon, his questions drone on and on, causing you to switch your mind off completely, try to sleep with your eyes open, or cringe each time he utters a syllable. Since this guy’s middle name is “persistent,” you will be doing a lot of the above…
Then, there are the cheapsters.
Too cheap to order a drink or a beverage, they are the ones who are most likely to ask for chilled water. Take the lemons from the salad. Ask for some more. Wait for a couple of minutes. Ask for sugar, or better still, discreetly take out sugar cubes from pocket. Look furtively around. And Voila. In 5 minutes, they have their very own lemonade. Neat no?!!
Last, but definitely not the least – you have the scroungers.
“Hey, it’s my / my friend’s birthday. “(Grin. Wink. Wink. Fidget.). “Do you guys give any free stuff?” (Hopeful smile). “Like maybe a cake or dessert. A couple of drinks on the house?” “No?” (Shocked smile). “Gosh, what kind of restaurant / watering hole are you? I’m a patron…” (Head shaking).
Too bad, buddy. Happy birthday. And nope, tiramisu aint coming your way gratis. Go on, pay up.
And let the others eat in peace….
(I am sure I must have missed quite a few breeds of patrons at restaurants. Do fill me in / drop in a line. I’ll appreciate the help) :-)
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